A Pink Bike, a Pink Castle, and the Simple Things In Life...

I've been in a funk lately. I was unaware that I slipped into it until I started slipping out of it. I always believed that I was a faithful woman that I was optimistic during the hardest of times. I'm young, so I know many think I haven't begun to see hardship in my life. I agree for the most part. But when it comes to sickness, boy has my family put me through the ringer. Between me, Mom, and just watching grandparents, aunts and uncles. I've seen a lot of illness in this family. I thought that I was handling all of my recent health changes well. I was wrong.

When Phil and I went to see Dr. Makati this past time, we were told to start the application for Vanderbilt. I will be finishing that up and sending it in. We're placing me on the waiting list for their Autonomic Dysfunction Center. It took Dr. Makati saying there wasn't anything else he could do for me in order for me to realize that I'd quit living my life. I went through the motions of living my life, but in terms of enjoying it and really being present in the moment... Nope. I was waiting until I got better to start this or do that. Then I realized something even worse for me... I was angry. Boy was I angry. I went on a rage to my husband telling him how angry I was. I was angry at God, I was angry at everyone, I was angry at myself, I was angry at everything. What a sad realization it was. But, I'm glad I came to this discovery. Only when we own up to our feelings can we begin to change them.

I've decided to begin again. I want to begin again. I realized this mostly at Sr. Briege McKenna's speech. I went for physical healing and walked away with spiritual healing. I'd call that an unexpected bonus. I can live with poor health; I cannot live with poor faith.

Today, I passed out; I was struggling to stay conscious until well into the afternoon. When I did become fully awake and feeling fairly normal, I decided to plan an outing with Phil and the children. He agreed, so we took Mariana and Maddy to sit on Santa's lap and then to dinner. Of course, being a Friday evening there were lines at the mall. But the girls were fantastic. The behaved very well, despite the fact that it was only an hour before bed time. They were dressed in their pretty Christmas dresses and playful and cute.

Mariana repeatedly said, "I want to see Santa Claus." She was so excited. When it was our turn we took the girls up. Maddy cried, more because she was tired then afraid of Santa. She just wanted Daddy. But, Mariana sat on Santa's lap. He told her how much she'd grown this year and how she was a good girl. He asked what she wanted for Christmas. She looked up at him, "I want a pink bike, and a pink castle." Mariana has consistently asked for these two things since October. After she finished, she told us what she asked for and told us that Santa would bring them on his sleigh.

Her excitement was catching. It was adorable and it filled my heart with love, happiness, and gratitude. I am so grateful for the life I have. It's so wonderful having my family and all of the blessings I've been given. So, Mariana wants a bike and a castle. I want more moments like these. I want more simple pleasures, everyday things that remind me of God's love and presence in my life. My husband and children, our parents, our siblings... All of these people in my life are so wonderful and make my life so perfect, it only makes sense that all of these struggles I've been facing exist. You can't truly appreciate the beauty of the sun without some rainy days. So, thank you all for being my sun, and I'm even grateful for the rain that helps me keep life in perspective.

A Very Detailed Update on the Health of Cassie...

I heard from Dr. Makati today. My blood results came in. As it turns out I do not have the condition he was originally testing me for. In fact, the opposite showed. Dr. Makati expected that my blood would show high levels of Dopamine while standing. As it turns out, my levels of norepinephrine were abnormally high while standing, and the rest of the results were quite normal. The clinical diagnosis Dr. Makati provided for me is Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS, which we will refer to it as in order to save the world from looking at TOO MANY LETTERS). According to Dr. Makati, and all of the reading I’ve been doing (because that’s how I am), POTS is an autonomic nervous dysfunction which can often be accompanied by neurally mediated hypotension (NMH). So, this is all of the clinical information about it.

Here comes the realistic what does it mean for Cassie and her family information. Currently, POTS has no real FIX per se. Basically, according to reading and the doc, finding the correct treatment for POTS and NMH is extremely difficult. Over the course of the last 14-15 years of dealing with this, I have actually been on and tried all of the current “treatments” available for POTS. The doctor has encouraged me to return to the medication regiment that I was on previously. He also intends to send me to Vanderbilt University’s Autonomic Nervous Dysfunction research center. They are one of the BEST in the country at helping diagnose, treat, and understand all forms of Autonomic Nervous Dysfunction.

On top of returning to the medication regiment, Phillip and I have decided to throw in ALL of the non medication related treatments. Therefore, I will return to a more high sodium diet with many small meals instead of 3 regular to large meals throughout the day (since eating large meals tends to cause the body to concentrate on digestion instead of regulation of blood pressure), I intend to attempt to exercise daily (provided my body allows for it) even if it means walking the dog around the entire apartment complex at first since good muscle tone helps with the bodies natural vaso constriction, and lastly (for now) Phil and I have decided that I need to look into purchasing medical support hose (which I’m not looking forward to wearing, BUT YES FAMILY I WILL IF IT MAKES ME BETTER).

Also I’ve been reading about activities that can worsen symptoms: “Activities that can aggravate POTS symptoms include working with your arms over your head, lifting heavy objects, and climbing stairs. Warm temperatures have an especially negative effect on the exercise tolerance of POTS patients as heat dilates blood vessels and diverts blood to the skin, thus reducing blood flow in key arteries that feed the brain. Air conditioning during hot weather is essential for most POTS patients.”

What else? What else? Ummmm…

They don’t know what exactly causes POTS. Some say it is from a viral infection, from some sort of neurotransmitter issue, or genetically passed from mother to daughter…. HA! Sorry Mommy, it’s still a possibility, so it must be included in the list.

Dr. Makati is very frustrated. He wants so badly to figure this out and I think he is more disappointed to not provide me with a clear cut treatment plan than I’ve ever been, having lived with it so long, lol.

ALSO, and I want everyone to read this next part quite a few times. I COPY AND PASTE!!! This idea is from 4 different websites (including research facilities)…

A UCLA medical study found that women tolerate stress better than men, thus the claim by some uninformed doctors that POTS is caused by "stress" rather than an underlying physical disease process is not based on the scientific evidence. If stress caused POTS, then men would develop POTS more often than women, the exact opposite of what accepted statistics indicates is the case. Men have a stronger adrenaline fight or flight reaction to stress than women and are less prone to work out problems with friends and family. Researchers found that women have higher levels of a hormone called oxytocin. "Animals and people with high levels of oxytocin are calmer, more relaxed, more social and less anxious. In several animal species, oxytocin leads to maternal behavior and to affiliation."

Well, I know this is a lot and slightly more detailed than is necessary. But, I never really know how much information people actually want versus how much I’ve told or how much there actually is to tell. I know many of you have already heard all of this, but it makes it easy for me to just include everyone at once, and that way I don’t forget to update someone of something. I promise to update more the moment I find out more. Feel free to forward this to anyone you have been talking to about me. I have no real privacy issues with this, it’s a normal part of my life and most people who have ever heard my name from someone I know know something about it, lol.

Also, the doctor has pretty much forbidden me to drive. He has also urged me to apply for SSI, since he feels that I am in no capable condition to actually work and this seems, to him, to be a disabling condition in the sense that it limits my mobility and activity quite a bit.

If you have any questions, please just respond.

I love you all and thank you all for the prayers and the support.

I'm Gonna Miss This

Maddy turned one on Sunday. Little bitty baby girl is one year old. She started taking steps two weeks ago. She hasn't decided to become an exclusive walker, but she can walk. She knows that she still gets there faster when crawling. She has one of her front teeth, making total up to three teeth with one breaking through any day now. She's so big now, and so beautiful. At her one year appointment, my little Maddy measured in at 31 1/2 inches tall, 18 lbs and 6 oz, and with a head circumference of 17.5. She's 10% in weight, 95% in length, and 29% in head size, lol. She's really tall and super skinny. She eats everything in sight, and I mean she'll eat ANYTHING. She's always eating.

Mariana is doing well. She's still a great big sister. I cannot really say how she's changed recently, except that she gets far more intelligent every moment. She has full blown conversations with you, and boy is she getting good at arguing her points. I don't know where she gets her assertiveness from (lol).

Now in explaining the name of this post... Trace Adkins has a new song. It makes me cry, literally, every time I hear it. You'd think after the 50th time of hearing it I'd be able to avoid the tears, but I cannot. It's really the last verse that hits me the hardest. Once the last verse comes, I start crying.

Lyrics:
She was staring out the window of their SUV
Complaning, saying "I can't wait to turn 18"
She said "I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules"
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said "I was just like you"

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good timesSo take a good look around
You may not know it nowBut you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her "It's a nice place"
She says "It'll do for now"
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says "Baby, just slow down"

Cause you're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
And she keeps apologizin'
He says "They don't bother me.
I've got 2 babies of my own. One's 36, one's 23.
Huh, it's hard to believe, but...

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Is anything more important...

than family? I was taught that family was the most important, second only to God. My parents raised me with the idea that in the end, the only people you could REALLY count on were Jesus and your family. My husband's parents taught him very similar beliefs. I don't know that they ever used those words, but the idea was similar. Mom and dad used to tell me that if the house burned down around us, as long as we were standing outside together, we'd survive to see another day. My in-laws and my parents are the type of people you can depend on. They'll help you with anything. If you need emotional support - they're there, if you need money - there, if you need help - there, if you need someone to stand in your corner and back you up - they're there... And let me tell you, I wouldn't want anyone else in my corner. Phillip and I have been truly blessed with parents and siblings to make you feel like you are part of something HUGE. If the world really did revolve around love, our family alone could keep it going for all eternity.

Siblings are supposed to be supportive of one another. Harsh words should be forgiven. Yet among some of my extended family, people would rather point fingers and place blame than try to work things out.

I find it so odd that such loving people, such supportive and magnificent people, should have to deal with such harsh treatments. The only real feelings I can have for it all... I pity the loss others have by not having my family in their lives. These people would do anything for you, if you asked. They are generous and kind people who put Jesus at the center of their existence in both word and deed. I'm so glad that I have them.

Discoveries

Babies are amazing. They change so much so very quickly. Everyday they discover something new and with that, you get to discover a new part of their personality and the person they will become.

Yesterday, Madeline was coming to see me while I was sitting on the floor and feeding Lily. Maddy crawled right over, put her little hands on my knees and stood up. The amazing part... She let go. She just stood there in front of me, looking at me, and balancing herself. That lasted for close to 10 full seconds. She continued to do that a few more times yesterday. Since we made such a big deal out of it, everytime she did so she would get all excited, knowing she did something great.

A few hours later, I was looking at my munchkin and realizing she wasn't opening her mouth at all. That usually means that she's snuck something in her mouth. So I reach in, searching her mouth for some object that isn't allowed in there. What do I find? A sharp little tooth broken through the gums... She's growing so quickly.

Phil and I made such a big thing over the tooth, I guess Mariana got jealous. She came walking over... "Look I have teeth (Smiling big to show us her teeth)! See I'm not a baby anymore, I have teeth." I LOVE MY GIRLS!!!!

Lazy Blogger

Apparently, I am getting lazy with my blog again. So, lets see what's going on.

I got another A in my English class. My last paper is due this Saturday and, as long as I get above a C-, I have an A for the course. The hard part for me would be not working my tail off on the paper anyway. I know I don't need a perfect paper, but I will have difficulty realizing that when I sit down and begin working on it for real. Alas, God why must I be a perfectionist?

My babies are WONDERFUL!!! As if everyone doesn't already know that. Madeline is so big. She crawls everywhere. If there is a way for her to stand, she pulls herself up and stands. She scales the couch, chairs, coffee tables, and anything she can hold onto while doing the little side walk, lol. She's also quite vocal. You'd never know such a big voice could come out of one so tiny.


Mariana is doing extremely well. She's very sweet and loves her baby sister. She's doing great in Ballet and still loves going to "Dance School" every week. Her recital is in June. She's going to go in dance over the summer as well. I think its important for her to stay in it, since at her age consistency is best. She's also going to be in Fairy Magic Dance Camp this summer. It is one week long from 9 AM til Noon everyday. I think she'll love it and I think it will be a great way for her to be around other children.

I still have sweet little Lily throughout the week. She's a gem to have around and she and Maddy are pretty much on par with development. In terms of movement and such, they both keep my hands full. If i put them in the stroller and take them anywhere, I get "Oh TWINS!" They don't look like twins. But 2 babies at the same height and age, one mom, what else are people to think? My favorite statement... "GOOD LORD HAVE YOU GOT YOUR HANDS FULL!" I reply, "Oh no, they aren't twins. This one is my daughter and this is my niece." To which I get, "Are they the same age?" I want to look at the person and say, "No, she's 9 months and she's 23." But of course, I cannot be THAT rude... So I reply, "1 day apart." Some people are relieved for me that they aren't twins and then others want to know how me and my sister-in-law managed to get pregnant so close together. Hey if their parents didn't explain it to them, and they didn't figure it out when they had babies, who am I to inform them....

I've started working. In a manner of speaking. I've become a Partylite Consultant. My first party is this Saturday. Meghan will be my first hostess. I'm excited about it and I shall update how it's going periodically.

Phil took his last two tests toward his certification. One more class and my hubby gets his Professional. Hurray!

Thats about it. Sorry these get so long. If I kept up with it, they'd be shorter and more frequent.

Babies, Family, and More...

Madeline has begun moving. She isn't quite crawling, though she does get up on her hands and knees quite easily. On Sunday, I was in the kitchen with Phillip and she was on the middle of the living room floor, she decided she wanted to be in the kitchen with us and made her way over entirely on her own. We were amazed at the distance she went. Her hair is still adorably curly on top. She's also getting quite a temper!

I've decided it is long past time to begin working with Mariana on her alphabet. As soon as I get my printer cartridge replaced I will be printing out some flashcards and other pre-school materials that I found online. Until then we have some books and such that we will make use of. She knows R, O, and X. Why those three I do not know. She can count to 17 quite consistently and understands the concept of counting things versus just saying the numbers. She has a temper as well. She also is quite a firecracker, my little miss. She has developed the habit of being slightly rude to her father, which we are correcting every time. You've got to love that stage when they begin to truly assert themselves, lol.

I once again have Lily in my care. I've recovered enough from my shoulder injury, Vickie went home, etc. She's doing well with me, of course. She is also getting mobile, so my job is now both easier and more difficult. Maddy and Lily can both move. Positives: They can entertain themselves better, they can move to get things that they accidently put out of their reach, they can move on to other toys if they get bored. Negatives: They can move, lol... Now, if Mariana brings toys onto the living room floor I have to make sure no small parts have been brought out unless I sit right there with them. I, of course, watch them quite closely, but there are bathroom breaks, lunch cooking, and house straightening moments when they are not in my line of sight every second.

We got great news last week. Phillip will be fine for work next year. There was some minor fear about them not renewing his contract since he isn't completely finished with his professional certification. He will need 1 more college credit, which he will get next fall. But he has been informed by his boss and administration, that all is well and he will be fine next year. There's some stress that is gone.

Oh and lastly, that paper I finished in my last post. I got an A. I kicked its butt, basically.