Random Thoughts

I often try to think about what my life would be like if just one thing had been different. What would have happened if I had never started passing out? What if Misty hadn't wanted me to befriend Phillip in middle school? What if my parents had decided to move to Texas instead of Florida? What if I'd waited to get married until after college? What if I'd have stayed in Catholic High School? What if my mother had never had surgery last year?

If we change just one thing in our pasts, the entire outcome of our lives could be different.

Why is that an important statement? It's important to remember that because every action changes the outcome of our lives. Even the smallest actions. Had I not decided to call Phillip and ask for his advice my freshman year of high school, I may not be married to him now. We hadn't spoken two friendly words to each other in over 3 months, in fact we'd been quite rude to one another and in speaking about one another... Yet for some reason I was compelled to ask HIS advice and I swallowed my pride and dialed his number. You wouldn't think that one phone call could change your life, but it does. What are we doing and what are we involved in now that we may regret? Are we really working and acting in our best interest, in the best interest of our children and our future? I ask myself that when I make decisions. When I act on my decisions I try to decide whether or not my actions affect all those around me.

Nothing we do affects only us. Every action, every decision, and everything we say can change someone else's life for better or for worse... can change our own life for better or for worse.

I said the words I hate you to my mother twice in my entire life, both times in anger. Sometimes I wonder if she remembers that I said them. We all say words of anger. We call people names and tell them hateful and cruel things. I've said things to my husband that I later wish I could've taken back, countless things to my parents throughout my teen years, and to many friends. I've apologized to everyone for the things I've said that hurt them. But, wouldn't it have been better had I not said them?

The point in all of this is that sometimes we need to learn to not speak. We need to learn to think instead of feel. We can save ourselves and so many others a great deal of pain and heartache by being open and loving, by thinking of their pain and not just our own.

I know many are wondering why I decided to journal all of this tonight. Oddly enough, I just woke from a dream I had. I dreamed I was 14 years old and I broke up with Phil... Now, that's not exactly a false dream... I did break up with Phillip twice when we were 14 years old. Both times, I asked for forgiveness the very next day and explained why I said what I had the night before. But in my dream, the second time I broke up with him he told me that I hurt him one too many times and that he wouldn't take me back. In my dream I had a sense of loneliness that I have never experienced in real life. I now think that it's an amazing thing that I can even feel that alone in a dream since I have no recollection of ever truly feeling lonely at all. But I remember thinking as I woke up that it was my fault. My actions had been unforgivable and I had lost someone that I valued more than life. So, it got me to thinking, what if Phillip hadn't forgiven me when I was 14? Then of course the what ifs just kept going... I do know that if he hadn't forgiven me, I wouldn't be blissfully married, I wouldn't have that beautiful little girl that is sleeping peacefully, and I wouldn't be the person that I am today.

So, Thank you. Thank you Phillip for loving me enough to forgive my faults and my mistakes. Thank you mom and dad for being able to love me through my difficult times and to not hold all of the angry words I'd ever spoken against me. Thank you everyone who has ever forgiven me for anything I have done to you that was unfair or unjust...

I like to think that I am a loving and compassionate person, but I will make a conscious effort to think of all people who are affected by my actions and words a little more closely. I only hope that by doing so I am an inspiration to others. Perhaps if I am more thoughtful of the feelings of others, someone might feel compelled to be so to the people in their life, and so on and so on...