I've been in a funk lately. I was unaware that I slipped into it until I started slipping out of it. I always believed that I was a faithful woman that I was optimistic during the hardest of times. I'm young, so I know many think I haven't begun to see hardship in my life. I agree for the most part. But when it comes to sickness, boy has my family put me through the ringer. Between me, Mom, and just watching grandparents, aunts and uncles. I've seen a lot of illness in this family. I thought that I was handling all of my recent health changes well. I was wrong.
When Phil and I went to see Dr. Makati this past time, we were told to start the application for Vanderbilt. I will be finishing that up and sending it in. We're placing me on the waiting list for their Autonomic Dysfunction Center. It took Dr. Makati saying there wasn't anything else he could do for me in order for me to realize that I'd quit living my life. I went through the motions of living my life, but in terms of enjoying it and really being present in the moment... Nope. I was waiting until I got better to start this or do that. Then I realized something even worse for me... I was angry. Boy was I angry. I went on a rage to my husband telling him how angry I was. I was angry at God, I was angry at everyone, I was angry at myself, I was angry at everything. What a sad realization it was. But, I'm glad I came to this discovery. Only when we own up to our feelings can we begin to change them.
I've decided to begin again. I want to begin again. I realized this mostly at Sr. Briege McKenna's speech. I went for physical healing and walked away with spiritual healing. I'd call that an unexpected bonus. I can live with poor health; I cannot live with poor faith.
Today, I passed out; I was struggling to stay conscious until well into the afternoon. When I did become fully awake and feeling fairly normal, I decided to plan an outing with Phil and the children. He agreed, so we took Mariana and Maddy to sit on Santa's lap and then to dinner. Of course, being a Friday evening there were lines at the mall. But the girls were fantastic. The behaved very well, despite the fact that it was only an hour before bed time. They were dressed in their pretty Christmas dresses and playful and cute.
Mariana repeatedly said, "I want to see Santa Claus." She was so excited. When it was our turn we took the girls up. Maddy cried, more because she was tired then afraid of Santa. She just wanted Daddy. But, Mariana sat on Santa's lap. He told her how much she'd grown this year and how she was a good girl. He asked what she wanted for Christmas. She looked up at him, "I want a pink bike, and a pink castle." Mariana has consistently asked for these two things since October. After she finished, she told us what she asked for and told us that Santa would bring them on his sleigh.
Her excitement was catching. It was adorable and it filled my heart with love, happiness, and gratitude. I am so grateful for the life I have. It's so wonderful having my family and all of the blessings I've been given. So, Mariana wants a bike and a castle. I want more moments like these. I want more simple pleasures, everyday things that remind me of God's love and presence in my life. My husband and children, our parents, our siblings... All of these people in my life are so wonderful and make my life so perfect, it only makes sense that all of these struggles I've been facing exist. You can't truly appreciate the beauty of the sun without some rainy days. So, thank you all for being my sun, and I'm even grateful for the rain that helps me keep life in perspective.
